Lost and Found

I once was broken, but now that I have carefully rebuilt my shattered confidence I am only frail. I was destroyed methodically in grade school. The world was unkind to me; taunting me about being...average. I left a classroom crying in grade 7. You know how bad it is to cry in school in grade 7? It's the worst. I was broken.

I changed schools after grade 8. I never told anyone what happened to me. How no one told my mom even off handily is shocking. I didn't make eye contact with anyone. Speaking up was hard. I was broken and I had to rebuild myself. I had lost the little girl who wanted to play football when she grew up and wore dresses all the time.

It was a hard, slow process that began with small steps. I joined the social justice group at school. I was in drama (a strategic move to make me talk to people). I stayed for lunch. I was still broken at first. I started making friends. Friendly kids would talk to me, welcome me into their world. Their world was one of friendships since kindergarten and memories. My world with them began in grade 9.

Slowly I re-found myself; still frail, but no longer broken. Carefully I made sure to not break myself and to build myself up. I learned I can give a speech with little planning. I talked to politicians and community leaders. I wore dresses again. I became healed, but my confidence remained frail.

I remember when I was confronted with a simple problem and I solved it without help (or tears) for the first time. That was this year. I am 21. It took me 7 years and much patience and tough love from my mom to get here. I did this though and because I know how delicate the balance is for me, I protect myself a lot. I don't expose myself to situations that could even dent my newfound, delicate sense of confidence I have developed. I have limited myself about what I will comment about on social media because I am afraid of taking a step back in my rebuilding.

When you make it this far after the bullies have won, you protect yourself, you make sure you will not be exposed as something that the bullies would have jumped on. Sometimes I want to say things about something but cannot because I am afraid about people jumping down my throat, telling me I'm wrong and making me feel like I did when I was bullied. I cannot deal with that. I cannot rebuild myself again with how far I've come. I stick to some social justice stuff that I have some knowledge of (Winnipeg's homeless and FNMI issues), sports, and history as a whole. I am safe with these. I can learn about these. I do not feel like anyone will make me feel bullied if I talk about these.

I like helping others, but I have to continue to help myself first.